B.Boo

wow, it's been so long... i'd be completely surprised if even one person reads this entry. anyway, onto the story.

it's been awhile... check that... a long while since i last had my quiet time. how long? i don't even know, but it was definitely before school started so you can do the math. keep that in mind.

so last night was pretty miserable - i had just finished watching two plus football games, and during the breaks, i was creating my own madden team that i had started the day before (and never ended up finishing). so what's so bad about that? well... basically, i was behind in my work with the stress of the semester looming... and what did i spend my entire weekend doing? football.

as you might be able to imagine, i was beating myself up quite heavily as i prepared to go to bed. but something weird happened - i couldn't fall asleep. why was that weird? one, i could feel it in my eyes; and two, i had only gotten three hours of sleep the night before (yes, because of madden). so as i lay there in bed trying to figure out why my lights wouldn't go out, i finally did the first smart thing all weekend...

"God, i need to go to bed please."

(nothing)

"God, i gotta wake up tomorrow for my 8:30am class."

(nothing)

"there's no way i'm gonna be able to stay awake tomorrow if i don't fall asleep now."

(nothing)

ever talk to God when you're desperate and He doesn't talk back? it's a pretty crappy feeling.

but then...

"maybe i should do my devos... it's too late for that, i gotta wake up early tomorrow... well, it's not like i'm gonna fall asleep soon anyway... mmmm, that's true, and they do recommend not to just lie in bed when you can't fall asleep - go do something that'll make you tired... okay."

so as i picked up my bible, i remembered that in the summer i was trying to go through the Psalms, so i decided to pick up where i left off - Psalm 4.

¹answer me when i call to you, o my righteous God. give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. ²how long, o men, will you turn my glory into shame? how long will you love delusions and seek false gods? ³know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord will hear when i call to him. ⁴in your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. ⁵offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. ⁶many are asking, "who can show us any good?" let the light of your face shine upon us, o Lord. ⁷you have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. ⁸i will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, o Lord, make me dwell in safety.

i don't know if this is obvious, but allow me to break it down for you just in case it isn't...

verse one was my exact prayer - to the "t". verse two was exactly what i was doing to God: i was shaming Him by the way i was living (not only by not having my quiet time, but also not having the right focus in school and in my "service", and lusting like crazy to name a few) and was seeking false gods (computer games, television, and internet pornography), falling into the delusion that these things would bring about satisfaction and happiness. verse three was a reminder of who i was (set apart) and what my purpose was (to be His), things that i had clearly completely forgotten in my actions, thoughts, and heart. verse four was God telling me what to do at that exact moment - to quiet down and reflect. verse five was Him telling me exactly what i needed to do: offer Him right sacrifices (not necessarily even "good" things like my hard work or service but myself) and to trust Him (that He would carry me through this crazy school semester). verse seven was what i so dearly wanted but also what i so severely lacked; and verse eight, well, i think it needs no explanation right? let's just say a smile was brought to my face - it was the cherry on top of an amazing God moment.

this story has just begun...

Current Mood: peaceful

it's gotta be one of the most beautiful things in life when, despite the troubles in life, one can keep their eyes on Jesus and sing about the salvation that He brings. a familiar song...

God above all the world in motion
God above all my hopes and fears
i don't care what the world throws at me now
i'm gonna be alright

hear the sound of the generations
making loud our freedom song
all in all that the world would know Your name
we're gonna be alright

cause i know my God saved the day
and i know His word never fails
and i know my God made a way for me
salvation is here

salvation is here
salvation is here and it lives in me
salvation is here
salvation that died just to set me free
salvation is here
salvation is here and it lives in me
salvation is here
cause You are alive and You live in me

it got me thinking... what does salvation have to do with our troubles in life? it took me awhile, but i think it's that God makes a way for those He calls His children, so despite all the troubles, we can put our faith in Him. i'm gonna be alright - *raises fist*.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Salvation Is Here" by Hillsong

i was so encouraged by pastor lisa yesterday.

i was at church early on friday before SALT and was up in the seekers' room just chillin' and listenin' to some switchfoot when i saw her pop her head in. we talked for a little while, then she said something that kinda took me aback...

"so you were gonna have a talk with Jesus?"

(a little shocked) "ya, how'd you know?"

"well, i saw you over there and i kinda figured."

not only did she keep me accountable for doing my devos, she also went out of her way to find me a room that was nice and quiet so i wouldn't be disturbed by the noise of the world. how cool is that?! that's amazing! putting the cherry on top of the cake... get this... these were her "departing" words...

"say 'hi' to Him for me!"

oh man... lisa... you crack me up!

anyway, here's the devo... i don't think i captured the essence of it, but i did the best i could to get it down in writing...

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Devo of Yesterday:

Mark 5:1-20 (NLT)

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    So they arrived at the other side of the lake, in the land of the Gerasenes. [2] Just as Jesus was climbing from the boat, a man possessed by an evil spirit ran out from a cemetery to meet him. [3] This man lived among the tombs and could not be restrained, even with a chain. [4] Whenever he was put into chains and shackles—as he often was—he snapped the chains from his wrists and smashed the shackles. No one was strong enough to control him. [5] All day long and throughout the night, he would wander among the tombs and in the hills, screaming and hitting himself with stones.
    [6] When Jesus was still some distance away, the man saw him. He ran to meet Jesus and fell down before him. [7] He gave a terrible scream, shrieking, "Why are you bothering me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? For God's sake, don't torture me!" [8] For Jesus had already said to the spirit, "Come out of the man, you evil spirit."
    [9] Then Jesus asked, "What is your name?"
    And the spirit replied, "Legion, because there are many of us here inside this man." [10] Then the spirits begged him again and again not to send them to some distant place. [11] There happened to be a large herd of pigs feeding on the hillside nearby. [12] "Send us into those pigs," the evil spirits begged. [13] Jesus gave them permission. So the evil spirits came out of the man and entered the pigs, and the entire herd of two thousand pigs plunged down the steep hillside into the lake, where they drowned.
    [14] The herdsmen fled to the nearby city and the surrounding countryside, spreading the news as they ran. Everyone rushed out to see for themselves. [15] A crowd soon gathered around Jesus, but they were frightened when they saw the man who had been demon possessed, for he was sitting there fully clothed and perfectly sane. [16] Those who had seen what happened to the man and to the pigs told everyone about it, [17] and the crowd began pleading with Jesus to go away and leave them alone.
    [18] When Jesus got back into the boat, the man who had been demon possessed begged to go, too. [19] But Jesus said, "No, go home to your friends, and tell them what wonderful things the Lord has done for you and how merciful he has been." [20] So the man started off to visit the Ten Towns of that region and began to tell everyone about the great things Jesus had done for him; and everyone was amazed at what he told them.

_____

January 13, 2006 (4:24 PM)

The previously demon-possessed man begged to follow You. Why is it that these days so many "Christians" simply "believe" and yet don't follow? Why is that so often, I am simply a believer and not a follower? I think this is because the demon-possessed man saw what You did for him, and as a result, realized his need for You. These days, we're so comfortable in all aspects of our lives that we don't realize our need for You.

Personally, I take Your many blessings (shelter, food, family, safety, education, health, etc.) for granted. I don't take the time to remember and acknowledge that it is YOu Who has provided and continues to do so. These comforts often overshadow my spiritual need for You. But Father, I know that in reality, I do need You - like no other. May that reality become more and more crystal clear to me by each and every passing day, for You have said...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:3 - NIV)

As this reality becomes more and more clear, it changes the way I live, it changes the way I relate with You, it changes the way I follow You, it changes the way I worship You, it changes the way I love You - it changes everything. Father, I put myself into Your hands to mold me into a man who is poor in spirit.

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as gummy says about joyce... this world would be a much better place if more women were like lisa.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: thankful

wow... it's been like forever since i've done one of these. i wonder if anyone even reads anymore. hmmm... well, it's important to me cuz the reason why i started doing this in the first place was to somehow encourage people through it. that was inspired by my friend leo (if you have time, you should read his blog: http://www.pixelsparks.com/leo/). awhile ago, some guy that leo didn't know and whom didn't know him told him that he (the dude) was encouraged by it... pretty wicked if you ask me.

anways, for quite awhile now, i haven't exacty been doing well. what do i mean by that? basically, my relationship with God has been bad - my devos have been lacking more these days than ever before (since i started doing them) and personal prayer has been almost none existent. this has resulted in lots of bad thoughts (especially of the lustful variety); lack of discipline and self-control (again of the lustful variety, but also tv, sleep, and laziness); guilt and shame (due to the aformentioned); and very recently, worry and fear.

what have i become afraid of? you know the "cliche" christian-man-with-a-mask? the man who's a leader in the church but is addicted to pornography? the man who's involved in so many ministries to the point that he doesn't even "have time" to meet one-on-one with God in a quiet place? the man who knows exactly what to say and when to say it, but is foreign to experiencing any of it? that's what i'm afraid of. that's the man i fear of becoming. no, worse - that's the man i feel like i'm becoming. my worst nightmare would be waking up one day with the "the man who" in those last three questions changed to "bobby" and the question marks replaced with a period. that's my fear.

i've become worried about this semester. i was sitting down at my computer the other day when the weight of all my responsibilities just leveled me. it was the first full week of school - i was already behind. i had a bible study presession the next day - i was completely unprepared. i was staring down my inbox in which i hadn't checked for one full day - there were forty-six new e-mails, two percent personal and ninety-eight percent business. i swore i could feel my blood pressure jump as if all the walls of my arteries and veins had just completely lost their elasticity. as i went through my e-mails one-by-one, the realization of all that was undone began to overwhelm me. if there ever was a time i was worried, it was then, and it wasn't good.

God has a funny way of doing this.

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Devo of Today:

Mark 4:35-41 (NLT)

-----

    As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, "Let's cross to the other side of the lake." [36] He was already in the boat, so they started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). [37] But soon a fierce storm arose. High waves began to break into the boat until it was nearly full of water.
    [38] Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. Frantically they woke him up, shouting, "Teacher, don't you even care that we are going to drown?"
    [39] When he woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the water, "Quiet down!" Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. [40] And he asked them, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still not have faith in me?"
    [41] And they were filled with awe and said among themselves, "Who is this man, that even the wind and waves obey him?"

_____

January 12, 2006 (1:14 PM)

Father, when Your Holy Spirit enters in and takes over, there is no place for anxiety, worry, apprehension, and fear, because You are the God of peace and You are in control. That is why You have commanded me to...

"Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10a - NIV)

You have promised that though...

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all" (Psalm 34:19 - NIV)

There is nothing to worry about, because You are the God of peace and You are in control. You have said that...

"I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10b - NIV)

... so the question is, will I exalt You? Will You be exalted in my heart, mind, body, and soul - will I experience Your peace and Your sovereignty? Yes, Lord; Yes.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7 - NIV)

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just a thought... anyone but me find it interesting that the peace of God guards our hearts and minds? something to ponder.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: (none)

i had another run-in with my grandma the other day. "another" because, though it doesn't happen that often, it's happened before - a few times in the last several months. on the surface, it's always somehow about food. digging a little deeper, it always goes into me needing to be more considerate of her and becoming more "tsang sing" (disciplined - "i need to grow up"; i think). at the core of it, which is why this whole thing is just so silly, it's simply about miscommunication.

some of the things that she said to me really hurt, especially because i make a conscious effort to love her in the things that i do. i've tried to be as obedient as possible, but the thing that she'll remember is the one time that i slip up. at first, i tried to defend myself and clarify the misunderstandings. when i realized that that wasn't working, i just took everything. how incredible was it for Jesus to take all the unwarranted torture and false accusations. honestly, i feel as if nothing i do will ever make a difference because of her already set-in-stone view of me.

anyway, this blog isn't suppose to be depressing so onto greener pastures.

i went on a prayer walk today. it was pretty good. initially, i did it cuz i was having a lot of trouble connecting to God through the scriptures, so i decided a change of scenery would be good. as i got downstairs and out the building, i wanted to intercede for others. however, i was reminded about something that louie said, that because God is massive and i am small, it's a good idea to let Him talk and me to just listen. i quickly shared my heart with Him, about my bitter thoughts towards my grandma. here's what happened.

"finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." - philippians 4:8 (niv) -

what is true?

my grandma cares for me by cooking for me.

what is noble?

my grandma's pretty noble: even through the many conflicts we've had over the years, she continues to care for me.

what is right?

some of the more important things she says about me is right - i do need to become more disciplined.

what is pure?

pure is focusing on God and not dwelling on bitter thoughts and feelings about my grandma.

what is lovely?

creation is lovely, and my grandma is God's creation whom He so dearly loves.

what is admirable?

my grandma is to be admired for the way she handled her situations through life. growing up she went through a lot of hardship going from rich to poor. after marriage she worked a hard job scrounging for money and raised up seven children essentially without my grandpa. as an elderly lady and way past retirement age, she can still do almost everything on her own.

what is excellent?

my grandma's cooking is quite excellent - my school friends tell me all the time that i have such good food to eat.

what is praiseworthy?

God is praiseworthy, and He created me to be the grandson of my grandma for a reason.

instead of looking at the bad, i need to look at the good - to dwell on what's good. God, thank you for a new perspective.

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devo of the day:

Mark 2:1-12 (NLT)

    Several days later Jesus returned to Capernaum, and the news of his arrival spread quickly through the town. Soon the house where he was staying was so packed with visitors that there wasn't room for one more person, not even outside the door. And he preached the word to them. Four men arrived carrying a paralyzed man on a mat. They couldn't get to Jesus through the crowd, so they dug through the clay roof above his head. Then they lowered the sick man on his mat, right down in front of Jesus. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralyzed man, "My son, your sins are forgiven."
    But some of the teachers of religious law who were sitting there said to themselves, "What? This is blasphemy! Who but God can forgive sins!"
    Jesus knew what they were discussing among themselves, so he said to them, "Why do you think this is blasphemy? Is it easier to say to the paralyzed man, 'Your sins are forgiven' or 'Get up, pick up your mat, and walk'? I will prove that I, the Son of Man, have the authority on earth to forgive sins." Then Jesus turned to the paralyzed man and said, "Stand up, take your mat, and go on home, because you are healed!"
    The man jumped up, took the mat, and pushed his way through the stunned onlookers. Then they all praised God. "We've never seen anything like this before!" they exclaimed.

_____

November 24, 2005 (10:40 AM)

Due to the persistence and faith of the four men, the paralytic was healed.  Their persistence came from their faith that Jesus could heal their friend.  If they didn't believe, they wouldn't have put forth so much effort to bring him before Jesus.

Father, I've been giving up on my relationship with my grandma, believing that nothing I do will ever change anything - that healing in our relationship was out of the question.  Your Word, however, tells me that "love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:8a - NIV) - that is, Your love never fails.  Father, do I believe by faith that the overflow of Your love in me can heal the hurt between my grandma and I?  Lord, You are I AM - the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of the universe, and You sustain everything in it.  You hold time in Your hands.  What is too big for You?

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I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Who Am I" by Eliot To

...

as gold to the fire i will surrender to Your hand - "All For You" by Starfield

Father, refine me in the way that pleases You best.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: I still don't quite know
Current Music: "All For You" by Starfield

sometimes, only a song can truly express my feelings...

can i know what it's like to deeply love You? - "Can I Stay Here Forever?" by Starfield

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: i don't know
Current Music: "Can I Stay Here Forever?" by Starfield

God's grace is truly amazing - even when i'm not fully seeking Him, He unexpectedly shows up and blows me away. anyone out there know what i'm talking about and can relate? i often find that God looks into our hearts, and when He sees even just an ounce of desire for Him, He blesses us because of it. here's the quick story that led to this thought.

a song that all of us know well...

the splendor of the King
clothed in majesty
let all the earth rejoice
all the earth rejoice

He wraps Himself in light
and darkness tries to hide
and trembles at His voice
trembles at His voice

how great is our God
sing with me
how great is our God
and all will see
how great
how great is our God

age to age He stands
and time is in His hands
Beginning and the End
Beginning and the End

the Godhead, Three in One
Father, Spirit, Son
the Lion and the Lamb
the Lion and the Lamb

name above all names
worthy of all praise
my heart will sing
how great is our God

"How Great Is Our God" by Chris Tomlin

... for some reason, it's never really meant that much to me in the sense that it's never really spoken to me like some of the other songs. for me, it's always just been a song of declaration about the greatness of God and nothing more - no response on my part, no revealed truth that's blown me away... nothing... at least not until yesterday noontime.

so after lunch, i sat down in the lounge area at york's scott library preparing to get my studying underway. following my own little "ritual" for a lack of a better word, i open up windows media player and look for a tomlin song to listen to, hopefully to set my heart on God before diving into the demon that is working hard and studying. i usually play a song that makes sense for the situation (ie. a song that God has used previously to speak to me), but for some reason i got away from that and decided to play the above typed-out song. here's what He said...

... from the part in red: "I am the King - I am in control, so rejoice because of it!"

... from the part in blue: "I am the Light and the darkness has nothing on Me - I am in you so Satan has nothing on you."

... from the part in orange: "Even time is in My hands, so what mistake of your's can't I atone for?"

my struggles in school are quite well-documented - the fact that i'm super lazy and super unmotivated. for me, it's a total spiritual battle, one in which i've lost over and over again, and because of it, have made it worse by beating myself up over and over again. maybe you can imagine what it was like for me to hear those words in bold from the Big Man above. responding to God by singing the chorus and the bridge in my heart nearly brought me to tears.

Father, help me to see You as You truly are that i might desire You more and more.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: mixed
Current Music: "How Great Is Our God" by Chris Tomlin

i wish i could capture my emotions and what i experienced through this song...

the greatest love that anyone could ever know
that overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
and till i see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
i'll trust in You

with all i am i'll live to see Your kingdom come
and in my heart i pray You'd let Your will be done
and till i see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
i'll trust in You

i will live to love You
i will live to bring You praise
i will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that called the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
and till i see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
i'll trust in You

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
and with all i am my soul will bless Your name

"Til I See You" by Hillsong

there is so much truth about who God is and His character in this song (in bold), but why is the response so difficult to sing (in red)? i don't have much time to elaborate, but for those of You who understand where i'm coming from, all i could say to God was, "i'm sorry... i'm sorry that even in light of all that You are, so often i don't live to love You (and everything else in red)... but i want to so badly."

for those of You who don't know what the next song on the CD is...

Your faithfulness endures always
where mountains fall and reason fails

and You calm the raging seas
and You calm the storms in me, again

all i know is i find rest in You
all i know is i find rest in You

my heart will praise throughout the night
where singing seems a sacrifice

Your grace is all i need
Your grace is all i need

"Rest In You" by Hillsong

despite how sucky i am and how much i hurt God because of the way i live, "Your faithfulness endures always... You calm the raging seas and the storms in me." nothing that i have done says i deserve this. in fact, the opposite is true.

God, Your grace is truly all i need, and that is where i find my rest.

our God is an awesome God.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Music: "Til I See You", "Rest In You", & "Awesome God" by Hillsong

thanx Gummy for being hard on me about doing my devos. it's part of truly loving a brother right?

here i bring my stains and crowns
gentle river wash me now
Your love is deeper than i know
Your ways higher than i can go
lead me in Your holiness
i will follow, i confess
glory is the song i sing
Your life is living me

and where would i be
without You, without You
where would i be
without You

i will bow before the cross
cherish my Redeemer's cost
there is nothing i can do
but only stand amazed by You
mercy new with every day
wrapped up in Your arms of grace
nothing more, You're all i need
Your life is living me

like a waterfall
You fill my heart
and overflow
like a candle flame
You light my way
and lead me as i go

Spirit overflow
let me overflow

"Overflow" by Chris Tomlin

is there any other way to live life? i didn't think so. Spirit overflow.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: "Overflow" by Chris Tomlin