B.Boo

wow, it's been so long... i'd be completely surprised if even one person reads this entry. anyway, onto the story.

it's been awhile... check that... a long while since i last had my quiet time. how long? i don't even know, but it was definitely before school started so you can do the math. keep that in mind.

so last night was pretty miserable - i had just finished watching two plus football games, and during the breaks, i was creating my own madden team that i had started the day before (and never ended up finishing). so what's so bad about that? well... basically, i was behind in my work with the stress of the semester looming... and what did i spend my entire weekend doing? football.

as you might be able to imagine, i was beating myself up quite heavily as i prepared to go to bed. but something weird happened - i couldn't fall asleep. why was that weird? one, i could feel it in my eyes; and two, i had only gotten three hours of sleep the night before (yes, because of madden). so as i lay there in bed trying to figure out why my lights wouldn't go out, i finally did the first smart thing all weekend...

"God, i need to go to bed please."

(nothing)

"God, i gotta wake up tomorrow for my 8:30am class."

(nothing)

"there's no way i'm gonna be able to stay awake tomorrow if i don't fall asleep now."

(nothing)

ever talk to God when you're desperate and He doesn't talk back? it's a pretty crappy feeling.

but then...

"maybe i should do my devos... it's too late for that, i gotta wake up early tomorrow... well, it's not like i'm gonna fall asleep soon anyway... mmmm, that's true, and they do recommend not to just lie in bed when you can't fall asleep - go do something that'll make you tired... okay."

so as i picked up my bible, i remembered that in the summer i was trying to go through the Psalms, so i decided to pick up where i left off - Psalm 4.

¹answer me when i call to you, o my righteous God. give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. ²how long, o men, will you turn my glory into shame? how long will you love delusions and seek false gods? ³know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord will hear when i call to him. ⁴in your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. ⁵offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. ⁶many are asking, "who can show us any good?" let the light of your face shine upon us, o Lord. ⁷you have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. ⁸i will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, o Lord, make me dwell in safety.

i don't know if this is obvious, but allow me to break it down for you just in case it isn't...

verse one was my exact prayer - to the "t". verse two was exactly what i was doing to God: i was shaming Him by the way i was living (not only by not having my quiet time, but also not having the right focus in school and in my "service", and lusting like crazy to name a few) and was seeking false gods (computer games, television, and internet pornography), falling into the delusion that these things would bring about satisfaction and happiness. verse three was a reminder of who i was (set apart) and what my purpose was (to be His), things that i had clearly completely forgotten in my actions, thoughts, and heart. verse four was God telling me what to do at that exact moment - to quiet down and reflect. verse five was Him telling me exactly what i needed to do: offer Him right sacrifices (not necessarily even "good" things like my hard work or service but myself) and to trust Him (that He would carry me through this crazy school semester). verse seven was what i so dearly wanted but also what i so severely lacked; and verse eight, well, i think it needs no explanation right? let's just say a smile was brought to my face - it was the cherry on top of an amazing God moment.

this story has just begun...

Current Mood: peaceful

it's gotta be one of the most beautiful things in life when, despite the troubles in life, one can keep their eyes on Jesus and sing about the salvation that He brings. a familiar song...

God above all the world in motion
God above all my hopes and fears
i don't care what the world throws at me now
i'm gonna be alright

hear the sound of the generations
making loud our freedom song
all in all that the world would know Your name
we're gonna be alright

cause i know my God saved the day
and i know His word never fails
and i know my God made a way for me
salvation is here

salvation is here
salvation is here and it lives in me
salvation is here
salvation that died just to set me free
salvation is here
salvation is here and it lives in me
salvation is here
cause You are alive and You live in me

it got me thinking... what does salvation have to do with our troubles in life? it took me awhile, but i think it's that God makes a way for those He calls His children, so despite all the troubles, we can put our faith in Him. i'm gonna be alright - *raises fist*.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Salvation Is Here" by Hillsong

i was so encouraged by pastor lisa yesterday.

i was at church early on friday before SALT and was up in the seekers' room just chillin' and listenin' to some switchfoot when i saw her pop her head in. we talked for a little while, then she said something that kinda took me aback...

"so you were gonna have a talk with Jesus?"

(a little shocked) "ya, how'd you know?"

"well, i saw you over there and i kinda figured."

not only did she keep me accountable for doing my devos, she also went out of her way to find me a room that was nice and quiet so i wouldn't be disturbed by the noise of the world. how cool is that?! that's amazing! putting the cherry on top of the cake... get this... these were her "departing" words...

"say 'hi' to Him for me!"

oh man... lisa... you crack me up!

anyway, here's the devo... i don't think i captured the essence of it, but i did the best i could to get it down in writing...

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Devo of Yesterday:

Mark 5:1-20 (NLT)

-----

    So they arrived at the other side of the lake, in the land of the Gerasenes. [2] Just as Jesus was climbing from the boat, a man possessed by an evil spirit ran out from a cemetery to meet him. [3] This man lived among the tombs and could not be restrained, even with a chain. [4] Whenever he was put into chains and shackles—as he often was—he snapped the chains from his wrists and smashed the shackles. No one was strong enough to control him. [5] All day long and throughout the night, he would wander among the tombs and in the hills, screaming and hitting himself with stones.
    [6] When Jesus was still some distance away, the man saw him. He ran to meet Jesus and fell down before him. [7] He gave a terrible scream, shrieking, "Why are you bothering me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? For God's sake, don't torture me!" [8] For Jesus had already said to the spirit, "Come out of the man, you evil spirit."
    [9] Then Jesus asked, "What is your name?"
    And the spirit replied, "Legion, because there are many of us here inside this man." [10] Then the spirits begged him again and again not to send them to some distant place. [11] There happened to be a large herd of pigs feeding on the hillside nearby. [12] "Send us into those pigs," the evil spirits begged. [13] Jesus gave them permission. So the evil spirits came out of the man and entered the pigs, and the entire herd of two thousand pigs plunged down the steep hillside into the lake, where they drowned.
    [14] The herdsmen fled to the nearby city and the surrounding countryside, spreading the news as they ran. Everyone rushed out to see for themselves. [15] A crowd soon gathered around Jesus, but they were frightened when they saw the man who had been demon possessed, for he was sitting there fully clothed and perfectly sane. [16] Those who had seen what happened to the man and to the pigs told everyone about it, [17] and the crowd began pleading with Jesus to go away and leave them alone.
    [18] When Jesus got back into the boat, the man who had been demon possessed begged to go, too. [19] But Jesus said, "No, go home to your friends, and tell them what wonderful things the Lord has done for you and how merciful he has been." [20] So the man started off to visit the Ten Towns of that region and began to tell everyone about the great things Jesus had done for him; and everyone was amazed at what he told them.

_____

January 13, 2006 (4:24 PM)

The previously demon-possessed man begged to follow You. Why is it that these days so many "Christians" simply "believe" and yet don't follow? Why is that so often, I am simply a believer and not a follower? I think this is because the demon-possessed man saw what You did for him, and as a result, realized his need for You. These days, we're so comfortable in all aspects of our lives that we don't realize our need for You.

Personally, I take Your many blessings (shelter, food, family, safety, education, health, etc.) for granted. I don't take the time to remember and acknowledge that it is YOu Who has provided and continues to do so. These comforts often overshadow my spiritual need for You. But Father, I know that in reality, I do need You - like no other. May that reality become more and more crystal clear to me by each and every passing day, for You have said...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:3 - NIV)

As this reality becomes more and more clear, it changes the way I live, it changes the way I relate with You, it changes the way I follow You, it changes the way I worship You, it changes the way I love You - it changes everything. Father, I put myself into Your hands to mold me into a man who is poor in spirit.

==========

as gummy says about joyce... this world would be a much better place if more women were like lisa.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: thankful

wow... it's been like forever since i've done one of these. i wonder if anyone even reads anymore. hmmm... well, it's important to me cuz the reason why i started doing this in the first place was to somehow encourage people through it. that was inspired by my friend leo (if you have time, you should read his blog: http://www.pixelsparks.com/leo/). awhile ago, some guy that leo didn't know and whom didn't know him told him that he (the dude) was encouraged by it... pretty wicked if you ask me.

anways, for quite awhile now, i haven't exacty been doing well. what do i mean by that? basically, my relationship with God has been bad - my devos have been lacking more these days than ever before (since i started doing them) and personal prayer has been almost none existent. this has resulted in lots of bad thoughts (especially of the lustful variety); lack of discipline and self-control (again of the lustful variety, but also tv, sleep, and laziness); guilt and shame (due to the aformentioned); and very recently, worry and fear.

what have i become afraid of? you know the "cliche" christian-man-with-a-mask? the man who's a leader in the church but is addicted to pornography? the man who's involved in so many ministries to the point that he doesn't even "have time" to meet one-on-one with God in a quiet place? the man who knows exactly what to say and when to say it, but is foreign to experiencing any of it? that's what i'm afraid of. that's the man i fear of becoming. no, worse - that's the man i feel like i'm becoming. my worst nightmare would be waking up one day with the "the man who" in those last three questions changed to "bobby" and the question marks replaced with a period. that's my fear.

i've become worried about this semester. i was sitting down at my computer the other day when the weight of all my responsibilities just leveled me. it was the first full week of school - i was already behind. i had a bible study presession the next day - i was completely unprepared. i was staring down my inbox in which i hadn't checked for one full day - there were forty-six new e-mails, two percent personal and ninety-eight percent business. i swore i could feel my blood pressure jump as if all the walls of my arteries and veins had just completely lost their elasticity. as i went through my e-mails one-by-one, the realization of all that was undone began to overwhelm me. if there ever was a time i was worried, it was then, and it wasn't good.

God has a funny way of doing this.

==========

Devo of Today:

Mark 4:35-41 (NLT)

-----

    As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, "Let's cross to the other side of the lake." [36] He was already in the boat, so they started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). [37] But soon a fierce storm arose. High waves began to break into the boat until it was nearly full of water.
    [38] Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. Frantically they woke him up, shouting, "Teacher, don't you even care that we are going to drown?"
    [39] When he woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the water, "Quiet down!" Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. [40] And he asked them, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still not have faith in me?"
    [41] And they were filled with awe and said among themselves, "Who is this man, that even the wind and waves obey him?"

_____

January 12, 2006 (1:14 PM)

Father, when Your Holy Spirit enters in and takes over, there is no place for anxiety, worry, apprehension, and fear, because You are the God of peace and You are in control. That is why You have commanded me to...

"Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10a - NIV)

You have promised that though...

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all" (Psalm 34:19 - NIV)

There is nothing to worry about, because You are the God of peace and You are in control. You have said that...

"I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10b - NIV)

... so the question is, will I exalt You? Will You be exalted in my heart, mind, body, and soul - will I experience Your peace and Your sovereignty? Yes, Lord; Yes.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7 - NIV)

==========

just a thought... anyone but me find it interesting that the peace of God guards our hearts and minds? something to ponder.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: (none)

i had another run-in with my grandma the other day. "another" because, though it doesn't happen that often, it's happened before - a few times in the last several months. on the surface, it's always somehow about food. digging a little deeper, it always goes into me needing to be more considerate of her and becoming more "tsang sing" (disciplined - "i need to grow up"; i think). at the core of it, which is why this whole thing is just so silly, it's simply about miscommunication.

some of the things that she said to me really hurt, especially because i make a conscious effort to love her in the things that i do. i've tried to be as obedient as possible, but the thing that she'll remember is the one time that i slip up. at first, i tried to defend myself and clarify the misunderstandings. when i realized that that wasn't working, i just took everything. how incredible was it for Jesus to take all the unwarranted torture and false accusations. honestly, i feel as if nothing i do will ever make a difference because of her already set-in-stone view of me.

anyway, this blog isn't suppose to be depressing so onto greener pastures.

i went on a prayer walk today. it was pretty good. initially, i did it cuz i was having a lot of trouble connecting to God through the scriptures, so i decided a change of scenery would be good. as i got downstairs and out the building, i wanted to intercede for others. however, i was reminded about something that louie said, that because God is massive and i am small, it's a good idea to let Him talk and me to just listen. i quickly shared my heart with Him, about my bitter thoughts towards my grandma. here's what happened.

"finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." - philippians 4:8 (niv) -

what is true?

my grandma cares for me by cooking for me.

what is noble?

my grandma's pretty noble: even through the many conflicts we've had over the years, she continues to care for me.

what is right?

some of the more important things she says about me is right - i do need to become more disciplined.

what is pure?

pure is focusing on God and not dwelling on bitter thoughts and feelings about my grandma.

what is lovely?

creation is lovely, and my grandma is God's creation whom He so dearly loves.

what is admirable?

my grandma is to be admired for the way she handled her situations through life. growing up she went through a lot of hardship going from rich to poor. after marriage she worked a hard job scrounging for money and raised up seven children essentially without my grandpa. as an elderly lady and way past retirement age, she can still do almost everything on her own.

what is excellent?

my grandma's cooking is quite excellent - my school friends tell me all the time that i have such good food to eat.

what is praiseworthy?

God is praiseworthy, and He created me to be the grandson of my grandma for a reason.

instead of looking at the bad, i need to look at the good - to dwell on what's good. God, thank you for a new perspective.

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devo of the day:

Mark 2:1-12 (NLT)

    Several days later Jesus returned to Capernaum, and the news of his arrival spread quickly through the town. Soon the house where he was staying was so packed with visitors that there wasn't room for one more person, not even outside the door. And he preached the word to them. Four men arrived carrying a paralyzed man on a mat. They couldn't get to Jesus through the crowd, so they dug through the clay roof above his head. Then they lowered the sick man on his mat, right down in front of Jesus. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralyzed man, "My son, your sins are forgiven."
    But some of the teachers of religious law who were sitting there said to themselves, "What? This is blasphemy! Who but God can forgive sins!"
    Jesus knew what they were discussing among themselves, so he said to them, "Why do you think this is blasphemy? Is it easier to say to the paralyzed man, 'Your sins are forgiven' or 'Get up, pick up your mat, and walk'? I will prove that I, the Son of Man, have the authority on earth to forgive sins." Then Jesus turned to the paralyzed man and said, "Stand up, take your mat, and go on home, because you are healed!"
    The man jumped up, took the mat, and pushed his way through the stunned onlookers. Then they all praised God. "We've never seen anything like this before!" they exclaimed.

_____

November 24, 2005 (10:40 AM)

Due to the persistence and faith of the four men, the paralytic was healed.  Their persistence came from their faith that Jesus could heal their friend.  If they didn't believe, they wouldn't have put forth so much effort to bring him before Jesus.

Father, I've been giving up on my relationship with my grandma, believing that nothing I do will ever change anything - that healing in our relationship was out of the question.  Your Word, however, tells me that "love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:8a - NIV) - that is, Your love never fails.  Father, do I believe by faith that the overflow of Your love in me can heal the hurt between my grandma and I?  Lord, You are I AM - the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of the universe, and You sustain everything in it.  You hold time in Your hands.  What is too big for You?

==========

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "Who Am I" by Eliot To

...

as gold to the fire i will surrender to Your hand - "All For You" by Starfield

Father, refine me in the way that pleases You best.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: I still don't quite know
Current Music: "All For You" by Starfield

sometimes, only a song can truly express my feelings...

can i know what it's like to deeply love You? - "Can I Stay Here Forever?" by Starfield

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: i don't know
Current Music: "Can I Stay Here Forever?" by Starfield

God's grace is truly amazing - even when i'm not fully seeking Him, He unexpectedly shows up and blows me away. anyone out there know what i'm talking about and can relate? i often find that God looks into our hearts, and when He sees even just an ounce of desire for Him, He blesses us because of it. here's the quick story that led to this thought.

a song that all of us know well...

the splendor of the King
clothed in majesty
let all the earth rejoice
all the earth rejoice

He wraps Himself in light
and darkness tries to hide
and trembles at His voice
trembles at His voice

how great is our God
sing with me
how great is our God
and all will see
how great
how great is our God

age to age He stands
and time is in His hands
Beginning and the End
Beginning and the End

the Godhead, Three in One
Father, Spirit, Son
the Lion and the Lamb
the Lion and the Lamb

name above all names
worthy of all praise
my heart will sing
how great is our God

"How Great Is Our God" by Chris Tomlin

... for some reason, it's never really meant that much to me in the sense that it's never really spoken to me like some of the other songs. for me, it's always just been a song of declaration about the greatness of God and nothing more - no response on my part, no revealed truth that's blown me away... nothing... at least not until yesterday noontime.

so after lunch, i sat down in the lounge area at york's scott library preparing to get my studying underway. following my own little "ritual" for a lack of a better word, i open up windows media player and look for a tomlin song to listen to, hopefully to set my heart on God before diving into the demon that is working hard and studying. i usually play a song that makes sense for the situation (ie. a song that God has used previously to speak to me), but for some reason i got away from that and decided to play the above typed-out song. here's what He said...

... from the part in red: "I am the King - I am in control, so rejoice because of it!"

... from the part in blue: "I am the Light and the darkness has nothing on Me - I am in you so Satan has nothing on you."

... from the part in orange: "Even time is in My hands, so what mistake of your's can't I atone for?"

my struggles in school are quite well-documented - the fact that i'm super lazy and super unmotivated. for me, it's a total spiritual battle, one in which i've lost over and over again, and because of it, have made it worse by beating myself up over and over again. maybe you can imagine what it was like for me to hear those words in bold from the Big Man above. responding to God by singing the chorus and the bridge in my heart nearly brought me to tears.

Father, help me to see You as You truly are that i might desire You more and more.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: mixed
Current Music: "How Great Is Our God" by Chris Tomlin

i wish i could capture my emotions and what i experienced through this song...

the greatest love that anyone could ever know
that overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
and till i see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
i'll trust in You

with all i am i'll live to see Your kingdom come
and in my heart i pray You'd let Your will be done
and till i see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
i'll trust in You

i will live to love You
i will live to bring You praise
i will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that called the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
and till i see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
i'll trust in You

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
and with all i am my soul will bless Your name

"Til I See You" by Hillsong

there is so much truth about who God is and His character in this song (in bold), but why is the response so difficult to sing (in red)? i don't have much time to elaborate, but for those of You who understand where i'm coming from, all i could say to God was, "i'm sorry... i'm sorry that even in light of all that You are, so often i don't live to love You (and everything else in red)... but i want to so badly."

for those of You who don't know what the next song on the CD is...

Your faithfulness endures always
where mountains fall and reason fails

and You calm the raging seas
and You calm the storms in me, again

all i know is i find rest in You
all i know is i find rest in You

my heart will praise throughout the night
where singing seems a sacrifice

Your grace is all i need
Your grace is all i need

"Rest In You" by Hillsong

despite how sucky i am and how much i hurt God because of the way i live, "Your faithfulness endures always... You calm the raging seas and the storms in me." nothing that i have done says i deserve this. in fact, the opposite is true.

God, Your grace is truly all i need, and that is where i find my rest.

our God is an awesome God.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Music: "Til I See You", "Rest In You", & "Awesome God" by Hillsong

thanx Gummy for being hard on me about doing my devos. it's part of truly loving a brother right?

here i bring my stains and crowns
gentle river wash me now
Your love is deeper than i know
Your ways higher than i can go
lead me in Your holiness
i will follow, i confess
glory is the song i sing
Your life is living me

and where would i be
without You, without You
where would i be
without You

i will bow before the cross
cherish my Redeemer's cost
there is nothing i can do
but only stand amazed by You
mercy new with every day
wrapped up in Your arms of grace
nothing more, You're all i need
Your life is living me

like a waterfall
You fill my heart
and overflow
like a candle flame
You light my way
and lead me as i go

Spirit overflow
let me overflow

"Overflow" by Chris Tomlin

is there any other way to live life? i didn't think so. Spirit overflow.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: "Overflow" by Chris Tomlin

ever forgotten the joy that there is in God? i have...

oh heart of mine
why must you stray?
from One so fair
you run away
and one more time
you have to pay
the heaviness
of needless shame

oh heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own
and He's been there
all along
watching for
you down the road

so come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
you are looking for
so come home running
just as you are

oh child of God
so dearly loved
and ransomed by
the Saviour's blood
and called by name
daughter and son
wrapped in the robe
of righteousness

"Come Home Running" by Chris Tomlin

... my prayer...

and all of You
is more than enough for
all of me
for every thirst and
every need
You satisfy me
with Your love
and all i have in You
is more than enough

You are my supply
my breath of life
still more awesome than i know
You are my reward
worth living for
still more awesome than i know

You're my sacrifice
of greatest price
still more awesome than i know
You're the coming King
You are everything
still more awesome than i know

more than all i want
more than all i need
You are more than enough for me
more than all i know
more than all i can see
You are more than enough

"Enough" by Chris Tomlin

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: "Come Home Running" & "Enough" by Chris Tomlin

Where would I be without my Accountability?

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You

Like a child I'll take You at Your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought, and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever here with You?

I've lost sight of what first drew me
To the love that pursued me
The joy that inspired my song
The friendship that was all I knew
The arms that I would fall into
seem miles and years from where I am today
I got to get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only You

Can I stay here forever
Here with You?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth
Always, I'll stay
Always here with You

Can I be here forever
Here with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You

"Can I Stay Here Forever?" by Starfield

...thanx El.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: "Can I Stay Here Forever?" by Starfield

I've been pondering for awhile how to start this blog, but I couldn't come up with something more eloquent, so I'm just gonna go for it. About six weeks ago, I was on a second prayer walk with the sole purpose of listening to God. Here's what happened and what He told me...

Taking the same path as before, it was the squirrels that caught my attention again. Why'd they catch my attention? At first it was because they now meant something to me (which I blogged about last time), but soon after, I realized something very different from the last time - they were moving very slowly and cautiously, a stark contrast from the quick and jerky from last time. Finding this to be interesting, I sat there for awhile just watching them and hoping that God would say something to me through this. Nothing came to mind, however, so I continued on my way only to come upon a second set of squirrels doing the same thing. Like the first time, nothing came to my mind, so I again continued on my way. This happened a third time and like the previous two, nothing. Tired and frustrated by the happenings (or lack of it) of the prayer walk, I decided to lie down on a park bench to rest where I eventually fell asleep. When I finally woke up, I became even more discouraged because I felt like I had wasted time sleeping. A little distraught by the entire thing, I decided to go home.

Almost immediately on my way back, with my head drooped and my eyes directed downwards, I saw an ant dragging a wasp across the path. "What the..." I thought, "that's kinda strange and interesting!" As you may have guessed already, like everything else that I find "interesting", I proceeded to watch the wasp and the ant for awhile. Two things quickly caught my attention: one, the obvious difference in size between the insects; and two, the bumpiness and ruggedness of the gravel. Both of these factors made the task at hand extremely difficult for the ant, yet it carried on. As I continued to watch the ant struggle, another ant came and battled the first ant, presumably for the rights to the wasp. After a semi-brief tussle, the initial ant came out victorious and proceeded to drag the wasp across the path. As the ant got to the edge of the path, it came upon another obstacle - the grass. Trying to listen to God's voice this entire time but hearing nothing but silence and seeing nothing but the ant struggle to no avail with the grass, I decided to leave. Upon my departure, however, I felt a tug to return and watch for awhile longer. After battling myself for a time, I went with the tug to go back and watch. Shortly thereafter, I saw the ant give up. Finally, it hit me...

Like the ant, I can persevere all I want in the things that I do and will do this coming school year; and also like the ant, if I were to live by that, I may even be able to "accomplish" a few things. I may be able to conquer some hardships (the gravel) and win some battles (the other ant), but eventually, I will come across something that is too big for me to handle (the grass). If I go by this coming year on my own strength, I will fail miserably and end up giving up no matter how long or how hard I try. Just like the ant's trouble with the grass would've been no difficulty at all for me, my troubles are nothing to God (in terms of difficulty), no matter how big or small. So what was God saying to me? Perseverance in hard work (which is what I learned from the owner and dog from my last blog) is not the "ends", but instead, it is the means to relying on Him. In other words, my own perseverance in hard work is useless unless I do that to rely on God. Relying on Him is the focus, a part of what that means is perseverance.

So how do the squirrels fit in? As I continued my walk home, I saw a lone squirrel doing the same thing as the others that I saw earlier on. Not long after, however, I saw it find food. It finally dawned on me that all the squirrels that I had seen that day were moving slowly and cautiously because they were looking for food. Like them, God was telling me that I need to look for spiritual food everyday as a means of relying on Him. This, however, isn't something that can be done quickly and without effort; it's something that requires time and energy, much like squirrels when they look for food. Relying on God doesn't only mean perseverance in hard work, but it also means taking a break from everything and being intentional in spending time with God in the Word and in prayer.

This reminds me of the article a brother of mine sent a bunch of us via e-mail about a week ago. Here's the link... http://www.desiringgod.org/library/topics/leadership/brothers_bewaresub.html. Personally, I think it's a must-read for every Christian, especially for those who are serving in some capacity (which all Christians should be doing anyway). It's not very long at all, so if you've never read it, I beg you to take the ten minutes (if you're a slow reader) that it'll require to forever change your view on prayer.

I should preach to myself... time for me to stop "dickin' 'round" as Gummy would say and truly devote myself to prayer.

"pray continually;" - 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (NIV) -

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: dirty

So it wasn't until a month ago that I finally got my prayer life back in order. Well, at the time that I wrote that last sentence, it was "in order", but I can't honestly say that about my prayer life anymore. Time to get back to it. Anyway, not that it was perfect or anything, but definitely good by my standards and a lot better than it was for the first half of this summer.

To be completely honest, usually when I think about prayer, it's either about asking stuff from God for myself or others or praising and thanking Him. In both cases, I'm talking to God. Not that that's a bad thing - talking to Him is definitely a part of what prayer is, but it's only a part.

Here comes the cliche: "Prayer is a conversation with God" - a two-way thing. This begs the question: Does this mean anything to you at all? Have you ever experienced this before or is it just a bunch of cheap words that you've accepted to be true? When you pray, is your intent really to hear from God, or are you just going to Him with a shopping list, and on better days, a thanksgiving list?

If your answer to the first two questions in the last paragraph was "no", then you're like me for pretty much all of my life. Only up until a month ago can I honestly say that I've "consistently" and intently quieted my heart to listen to His voice in something other than the Bible. May I add that as I write this, the lyrics of the song ("Treasure" by Desperation) that came up on my computer go like so...

Your breath is like rain
Your Word it sustains me
I've come to this place
With intentions of finding You

Your Truth is a lamp
Your wisdom my light
I'm seeking Your face
With intentions of finding You
Finding You

So what have I heard?

Two Wednesdays ago I went on my first prayer walk in a long, long time. I remember telling God at the onset that I didn't want it to be just a time where I simply talked to Him. Guess what happened? I did just that - I interceded pretty much the entire time and never gave God a chance to speak to me. Was that a bad thing? I don't know - the intercession time was great and I even almost came to tears praying for some of my buddies. The point here, though, is that we have to learn to recognize His voice. Because I had never before given God the time to speak, I didn't really know how to do it, so I just went for what I knew, which was talking to Him.

The next day was more of the same - I told God exactly what I did the previous day and proceeded to try and quiet my heart. A little while passed, though, and because I was hearing nothing, I decided to start interceding cuz I felt like I was wasting time. This time, however, I couldn't get going - every time I tried to start interceding, I would somehow get very distracted. As I walked, one of the things that distracted me was a squirrel clinging onto the trunk of a tree. It was completely still, and finding this to be interesting, I watched it for awhile. As I continued my walk, I got to a park bench and decided to sit down and just watch nature and its inhabitants go by. What did I see? Squirrels. Like the first one, when the squirrels were still, they were completely still. When they moved, however, they were jerky and very quick. Again finding this interesting, I watched them for awhile. Then God spoke...

Through the squirrels, He revealed to me the way I need to approach working and life in general. Like the squirrels, there is a time for rest, and while resting, I need to be still and one hundred percent resting. But while working, my energy needs to be one hundred percent directed towards that, very much like the squirrels while they're moving. I was blown away when God revealed this to me, firstly because I heard His voice and secondly because of His message and how it related to my life.

For those of you who don't know, this coming school year will be absolutely crazy by my standards. Not only will I have a full course load (the last four semesters I've had a max of four courses and twelve hours a week, this coming semester will be seven and twenty respectively), but I will also have the responsibility of devotional coordinator in SALT, worship core group, tech arts director, and a soon-to-be sports ministry for RHCBC. God was pretty much telling me how I need to approach this coming year.

So as I reflected on what God had just told me, this dude walked by followed by his dog. Every so often, the owner would yell out to the dog and the dog would follow in complete obedience. Was God trying to tell me something? You bet! Knowing what I needed to do to get through this year wasn't going to help me - it is only when I put all this knowledge into action that things will be accomplished. In other words, hearing God's voice is great, but it is useless if I don't obey Him. It is only when I fully rely on Him in obedience that His power will take over in my life.

As I continued to watch the dog and its owner, the owner went over to a tree and made a branch hang down by partially breaking it. He then instructed the dog to leap for the branch and hang on to it with its mouth. Seeing this unusual and interesting event, I continued watching. Though the dog lept and missed many times, it continued this event almost non-stop. The times the dog did stop, it would look back at its owner who would encourage the dog and occasionally tug at the branch to reassure it. On the occasions that the dog did get the branch, it would hold on for as long as it could.

For me, this was God's message of perseverance in working hard. Because I've never been a hard worker, it's going to be a struggle, but like the dog, I need to persevere and hold on. There may be times when I doubt God, question Him, and look back, but like the owner, those are the times that He will encourage me. If I feel like quitting, He will reassure me that His ways are higher than mine and that He knows what He's doing by putting me in the situation that I will be in. He won't leave me in the predicament that I'm in, but will be right there with me every step of the way.

If God is on our side
Who can be against us?
If God is on our side
We won't be afraid
Though the mountains may fall
And the sky will crumble
There ain't nothin' gonna stand in our way

"On Our Side" by Chris Tomlin

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - II Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV) -

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (NIV) -

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" - Romans 8:31b (NIV) -

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: "Give Myself Away" by Desperation

Wow... Willowcreek has come and gone for almost a month now and I still haven't blogged about it. Gee... what's wrong with me?! Hehe... anyway... so I actually have blogged about it in the past, but I lost all that I had written twice... sux. Hopefully the third is a charm.

For all of you who don't know, Willowcreek is a church in Chicago. There's so much talk about how churches these days have it all wrong (especially in light of Acts 2), but if one church has it right, it's Willow.

So anyway, why was I at Willow? Well, every year, our church sends several of us down to the arts conference that Willow holds every year. The point of the arts conference is to show how the arts can be used in the church and to help other churches catch this vision - "to retake the arts for God." As one of the speakers at Willow said, "Hollywood should be coming to the church to learn how all this cool stuff (the arts) works."

To give you a glimpse of what it was like, the arts conference was separated into two parts, or two acts. The first act was basically like having six church services all crammed into two days. Sounds intensely boring? Not at Willow, friend. Like I said, if any church has this "church-thing" right, it's Willow. The purpose of this first act was to allow all those attending the arts conference to see what church is like at Willow on any given Sunday. Pretty much just sit back, relax (everyone at the arts conference serves in some way, shape, or form, so this was crucial), and worship God.

The second act was the more hands-on, practical, learning part. Again in two days, we sat through five to seven classes ("tracks") learning about our field (AV, drama, musical worship, etc.). For me, this act wasn't nearly as good as the first, but that's cuz I'm so newb at AV that I was confused during like 90% of all the tracks, even in the "Audio 101" track - the most basic track for audio stuff! During this time, we also got to tour the building, which was incredible. To describe how high tech they are, they have this room that, no joking, looks like a NASA room! That's wicked! If there's anyone out there who's keen on the arts and enjoys serving God in the church, you really need to go to Willow.

Anyway, the real reason why I'm blogging about Willow isn't to tell you guys about how cool the church is, but to share with you about this one, specific, awesome God-moment that I had down there.

Going into that week in which we were to go down to Chicago, I was very spiritually dry. From the time that school ended in late April 'til Willow time (mid-June), I rarely had my quiet time (even when I did, it wasn't anything solid) and prayer was pretty much non-existent. Needless to say, I was feeling very distant from God.

So there I was, at Willow, surrounded by the coolest effects from the most expensive AV equipment, and watching and listening to some of the best musicians in the world, but not being able to fully engage with God, for whom all this stuff was for, because of my guilt from the way I was living. I remember during this one song by Lincoln Brewster, the lyrics were like I will love You with all my heart, with all of my mind, with all of my soul, and with of my strength. I will serve You with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength. "I can't sing that!" I thought. "My life hasn't been like that!"

Distressed by the fact that I was lacking so much freedom in worship that first day, I was determined to do something about it. I decided to wake up early the next morning to have my quiet time with God and get right with Him. The next day rolled around and sure enough, I woke up early enough to have my quiet time with Him. I made one mistake though - I decided, for whatever dumb reason, to do my devos in bed. You guessed it... I fell back asleep. By the time I woke up again, it was time to leave the hotel and go to Willow.

On the car ride there, while everyone else was all cheerful and stuff, I was the exact opposite - frustrated and in a bad mood about the morning events. It was obvious. When we finally got to Willow after about ten to fifteen minutes, walking to the church from the parking lot, one of the girls approached me and asked me what was going on. I told her briefly and she reminded me that it wasn't too late to have my quiet time - I still had time to meet with God. With this in mind, as we were heading to the cafeteria in Willow, we passed by the prayer room. I felt this huge tug to go in, but at the same time my stomach was tugging me to breakfast. I was torn between the two. "What will it be?" I thought. "God or food?" Finally, knowing what the right thing to do was, I decided to go for God.

As I entered the prayer room and sat down, I told God that I needed to be encouraged. Kinda confused and not exactly sure what to do, I decided to go the whole random Bible verse route. Flipping through my Bible, I came upon a familiar verse, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10 - NIV). This verse was perfect for two reasons: One, I needed to be still and focus on God instead of on the frustration of that morning; and two, the next question that always comes to mind after that verse is, "Bobby, will you exalt Me in your life?" The cry of my heart was a resounding "YES!" but I was feeling so hindered by my sin.

After meditating on that verse for awhile, I came upon another perfect passage, "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?... Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." (Psalm 42:1-2, 5 & 11). Like I said before, my soul so longed for God, and I wanted to meet with Him so badly, but I couldn't help but feel guilty. After meditating and praying over this verse for awhile, I looked up to read more from the Bible when this lady approached me.

"Can I pray for you?"

"Oh! Sure!"

I will never forget her prayer - "This is a person who wants to open up more of his heart to You. Let this person know that there is no more condemnation, for You have forgiven him. May he be able to dance in his heart for You." Just in case you don't quite see it, allow me to lay it out for you.

The first part of the prayer - "This is a person who wants to open up more of his heart to You." - was what I so yearned for. I wanted God to be exalted in my life by giving Him more of me, all of me. The second part of the prayer - "Let this person know that there is no more condemnation, for You have forgiven him." - was God telling me that I didn't need to feel guilty anymore because He no longer sees my sin, He sees His sinless Son Jesus. The third part of the prayer - "May he be able to dance in his heart for You." - was my longing to be abandoned in worship to God. I longed to worship Him with all my heart, and all my mind, and all my soul, and all my strength.

How incredible is that, that some random woman who doesn't even know my name would pray such a perfect prayer for me - a prayer that was exactly the cry of my heart? Remember me asking God that I needed to be encouraged? What could be more encouraging than that prayer? Churches need more people like that woman, people who are so in-tune with God's voice and so filled with the Holy Spirit that they know who God wants them to pray for and how to do it. As if all that - the two perfect verses, the perfect three-point prayer, and the perfect answer to prayer (encouragement) - wasn't enough, almost immediately after the woman prayed for me, the song "As the deer" started playing over the sound system in the room. What an awesome God we have.

Was this experience in some way life changing? I believe so. Worshipping God at Willow after that was absolutely incredible - so much freedom. Just writing about this experience and thinking back upon it made me cry. In fact, as I was writing the last paragraph, the chorus and bridge of "Amazed" was playing, which goes...

Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

...and as I was writing the last paragraph from this paragraph, these were the lyrics (from "Beauty of the Lord")...

Jesus Your love
Has come one step closer
I will trust
You will never let me go

...never was His love more evident than at Willow... phenomenal.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: full
Current Music: "Treasure" by Desperation

Cool thing that happened today... I went to National Sports at around 7:30pm looking for 10lbs weights and also hoping that they would have some Under Armour gear that I could buy for softball (it turns out that they have neither, but that's beside the point). I also had it in the back of my mind to get a pair of shoes cuz my current pair are just about done. Anyway, so I get there, check out some of their softball stuff, check out the weights, and then head downstairs to check out their shoes.

"Can I help you?"

"Um... (I hesitate, not sure if I really wanna buy shoes at the moment cuz my wallet is extremely light)... sure... I'd actually like to try a pair of these (apparently I'm weak willed)."

"Sure, what size?"

"Nine, thank you!"

So the dude - Thomas, I later find out - gets me the shoes and then gets called away, I assume to help out another co-worker. I try on the shoes, decide they're too loose, and have an inkling to just walk away cuz I'm not sure if I wanna spend the money and don't wanna tell that to the guy's face. However, feeling guilty about just leaving the shoes there, I wait for him to return.

"So how are they?"

"Um... (hesitating, again not sure if I wanna buy the shoes but again feeling guilty about making him work without buying anything)... they're actually a bit loose, can I try the eight-and-a-halfs?"

"Sure!"

As I try the shoes on, this time, he stays kinda just watching me. I put 'em on, jog on the spot, then sit back down.

"So how are they?"

"Pretty good, but I was also hoping to try on the TMac III's."

"Eight-and-a-half?"

"Ya, thanx!"

He brings 'em out, I try 'em on.

"So what do you think?"

"They're actually more comfortable! (at this point, I'm pretty set on buying a pair, but am kinda disappointed that the TMac's are more comfortable cuz my heart was set on the other pair - they look cooler AND I have matching shorts for 'em... bonus points. So now I'm in a dilemma - shoes that look cooler in which I have matching shorts but are more expensive, or shoes that are more comfortable and are $20 cheaper?)"

"Ya, I can see that (that the TMac's are more comfortable)."

"Whoa, you can tell if a shoe is more comfortable just by looking at them?!"

"Well, not really, but if you look at this pair (points at the "other" pair), it looks more narrow, and this strap tightens it. Would you say that your foot is more wide or more narrow?"

"Actually, I think more narrow."

"Really (slight look of embarrassment)? I guess there goes my theory!"

"Well, I guess the TMac's are just made better (trying to save the guy from too much embarrassment)."

"Ya, I guess."

I take off the TMac's and am still trying to figure out my dilemma.

"I don't mean to be annoying, but could I try the other pair on again? (I'm hoping that the "other" pair will feel a bit more comfortable this time around to give myself a greater reason to go with that pair. Why the comfort of a pair of shoes would change after a few minutes have past and wearing it once... I don't know. I know, it's illogical.)"

"It's okay, it's not really annoying when there's no one else around." (He sees me continuing to take off the T-Mac's.) "Usually when people are comparing shoes, they'll wear one of each."

"Hmmm... that's a good idea!" (I lace 'em up) "So you've been working here long?"

"No, just about a month."

"Enjoying it?"

"Ya, it's pretty good, just sit around all day. It sure beats my old Loblaws job."

"So what else do you now? You in school?"

"Ya, I'm going to York, first year Kinesiology?"

"Whoa (alarm bells go off in my head)! Me too!"

"Ya?! First year also?!"

"Ya! Well, sort of. I've actually been in university for several years but I just transferred to Kin."

So we kinda hit it off and he asks me several questions about York and the like.

"So maybe I'll see ya around."

"Ya, for sure! Sorry, what's your name?"

"Thomas."

"Bobby, nice to meet ya."

God, I will see him around won't I? You're cool like that! Hmmm... I wonder if Thomas noticed by busted glasses and weird hair (I had it up underneath a hat), only one way to find out!

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: okay

Man, I've been wanting to blog about some of my recent God stories for quite awhile now, but somehow I haven't made enough time for it.  I've actually sat down and started typing a couple times, but both times it's been deleted due to accidentally closing the window.  Part of the problem is definitely the fact that I'm a perfectionist - I have to have everything just so - so it takes me forever to finish a blog - I can never get it done in one sitting.  Oh well... what can ya do?!  To give you an idea of the extremity of this, I started this blog on June 30th... it's been two weeks!  Anyway, hopefully I'll get some of it up soon.  As a good friend reminded me the other day, it's extremely important to record "in stone" what God has taught us and done in the past so that we can look back at it and lean on it when we are down in the dumps.

Funny conversation I just had with a stranger in the elevator on my way home:  I'm walking to the elevator in the lobby of my apartment building and this guy is right behind me "following" me...

"What floor?"  I ask.

"3rd."

(elevator door closes)

"I know I really should just take the stairs and walk but..."

"Hey, it (the elevator) was here.  What can ya do?!"

"Exactly!  It makes me feel a lot better when a lady comes in and presses the 2nd floor."

...

Hmmm... reading over it now, it doesn't sound that funny, but believe me, it was quite the hilarious at the time.  Just one of those moment things I guess.

Anyway, a wise man said something to me yesterday that made me go, "Ooh!  That's SO GOOD!!!" so I thought I might share it with you guys:  "No matter what we do, we're gonna have to suffer for it (sacrifice)."  This leaves us with two options, do what is right and suffer for it, or do what is wrong and suffer for it.  Seems like an easy choice eh?  I'm sure all of you agree when I say that it's not.  If that quote didn't quite click with you, let me phrase it in a slightly different way:  "Whatever we do, we have to sacrifice something for it."  If you think about it, this is obvious:  We are limited by our time, so there are some things that we won't get to do, which is sacrifice.  Often, if we decide to do good, we sacrifice doing bad.  On the flip side, if we decide to do bad, then we sacrifice doing good.  More specifically, if I decide to spend two hours in quiet time and prayer time, I'm sacrificing using that two hours for something else, say computer games or tv or even hanging out with friends.  However, if I spend that time doing those things, then I sacrifice one-on-one time with God.

I think as Christians, we often think of the Christian life as sacrifice.  We're fed this every single Friday and Sunday it seems - that in order to live for God, we must sacrifice ourselves, or sinful desires, etc.  This is all absolutely one hundred percent true, however, I've never really heard the flip side of that, or at least not nearly as clear as my wise friend put it - that living an ordinary or sinful life is also sacrifice, we sacrifice our relationship with God and everything that comes with it (ie. the fruit of the Spirit).  For anyone who has experienced a lively and vibrant relationship with God, the choice is obvious.  It still isn't easy, but at least it's obvious, which brings me to another point that I've been learning lately.

Ever have anyone tell you that the Christian life isn't about feelings?  More specifically that faith isn't a feeling?  Ever find yourself just accepting that cliche without really pondering what it means and maybe even using that cliche on others?  I found myself in those shoes.  Occasionally, a friend of mine will be like, "I don't feel very spiritual right now" or "My relationship with God feels so distant," then I'll respond, "well, it's not about feelings right?"  What the heck does that mean?!  If you were to ask me that several months ago, I would've been dumbfounded.  Now however, it's becoming more and more clear and more and more significant.

I find that it's very easy to live by feelings.  If we feel like doing something, we'll do it, but if we're not feeling it, then we won't.  This is great when we wake up and we're just so excited to have our quiet time and meet with God, but what about when we wake up and everything seems miserable and doom and gloom?  What then?  I think the answer's obvious - we start slumping spiritually; our intimacy with God begins to wane and we grow more and more distant to Him; compromise begins to happen and before we know it, we're living a life of sin.  For me, "faith isn't a feeling" means to grasp onto God's truth and promises no matter what we feel.  So, on the days that we don't feel like having quiet time, we grasp onto His promise that He is better and the truth that we need Him more than anything else in this world.  During the times when we're so tempted with lust and are seemingly overcome by our urges, we grasp onto God's truth that purity is the way to go and take Him at His word when He says, "blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."  When we've been wronged so badly that we feel forgiveness isn't even an option, we grasp onto His promise of the freedom that forgiveness brings.  When we've been so engulfed in sin that even when we've confessed our sins, we don't feel like God has forgiven us, we grasp onto His promise that "there is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" and put our faith in the truth of God's character - that His love, grace, and mercy is infinitely bigger than we could ever imagine.  "Faith isn't a feeling" means putting your faith and trust in God's word and living by it even though your feelings may be telling you something different.  This, I believe, is a lifelong battle for everyone.

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: calm

Wow... what an amazing Sunday!  What made it so amazing?  Well... let's start from the top.  Hopefully I'll be able to express all my emotions that went through me that day on paper (though I doubt it... just one of those things you have to experience for yourself I guess).

I woke up at 5:55am on Sunday morning, hoping to spend some time in prayer before being picked up by Sam at around 7:00am.  Those of you who know me well, however, can probably guess what happened.  Did I pray?  Well... technically, yes!  However, the prayer went something like this:  "God, thank you for a new day... Zzzzzzz..."  You get the point.  By the time I woke up again, it was 6:48am and I had to rush to get all my morning stuff done.

When we finally got to church at 7:40am, as usual, I immediately began to do all the things that needed to be done (ie. AV stuff).  Part way through though, I knew something was wrong, so I took a little time to quiet myself down, but it was rushed.  At around 8:10am, the worship/tech team got together to pray a little bit.  Again I had another opportunity to quiet down and really get in the right mindset, but during the entire time of solitude that we were given, my heart was hard, and I knew it.  Afterwards, all the stuff that needed to be done continued to dominate - the PowerPoint for musical worship was wrong, we were doing livefeed for the first time, lighting needed to be figured out, and to top it off, the drama that was to be presented was rehearsed for the first time the night before (in fact, I hadn't even looked at my lines until Saturday afternoon).  The pressure was mounting.

Finally, at around nine, the worship team finished there thing meaning it was the drama team's turn to do their thing.  Like the others, I had to prepare (I think the others were already prepared though), so I was sent to the washroom by my director to get my hair out of my face (that's a no-no for actors/actresses on stage) by gelling my hair.

This is where this memorable and life-changing Sunday truly started.

Shortly after I went into the washroom, a man I consider godly entered as well.  I can't quote word-for-word what was said, but the gist of it went like so:

"Hey Bobz, how's it goin'?"

"Terrible."

"Why, what's goin' on?"

Immediately when I began to share my heart with him, I became teary-eyed and broke down.  I told him I was so sick of all the stuff that needed to be done.  I told him that I had lost all the joy that is in service to God.  For the longest while, I had forgotten the reason why I serve in the first place and had fallen into the trap of getting caught up in all the things that needed to be done each week.  Basically, I had taken out the heart of worship.  He asked me if he could pray for me, then did so, but the entire time, I was so caught up in my emotions and all the thoughts that were racing through my head that I didn't make his prayer my prayer.

I was called back to the sanctuary for a last run-through, and while walking there, was trying to compose myself - didn't happen. During our drama team's little gathering "pep-talk" before the actual run-through, I was sitting down crouched over with my hands in my face hiding myself - didn't work.  A couple people, I think guessing that something was up, asked if I was okay.  I said "no" both times and began to sob.  Led by another man that I look up to, the group laid their hands on me and prayed for me.  Again, however, their prayer wasn't my prayer.  I was so caught up in the moment with all that was happening that I barely heard the prayer.

Just before and after the run-through, I got to share with the other two actors a little bit of what was going-on, but something still wasn't right, something was still bothering me.  During this whole ordeal a few people asked me if I was feeling better, and each time is was "a little bit."  It may be obvious now, but at the time, for whatever reason, I didn't know why I wasn't feeling a lot better as I "should've" been.  There was still something that wasn't right.

Then came the musical worship... WOW!

Who am I
That the Lord of all the Earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I
That the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am
I am yours

Who am I
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?

Who am I
That the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

"Who am I" by Casting Crowns & Mark Hall

Having cried twice already, obviously I was in a lot of inner pain.  Who am I, that despite all the hurt that I have put God through recently, that He would want to feel this inner pain of mine?  My heart was so hard to Him for the longest time.  Who am I, that despite my wandering sinful heart, that He chooses to continually guide me back to Him?  I was falling apart mentally and emotionally.  What have I done for Him that He wants to give me His peace?  I was falling apart spiritually.  What have I done for Him that He catches me when I'm falling.  Who am I and what have I done for Him that He wants me to be His?  All God wants to hear from my mouth, body, heart, and soul is "I am Yours."

You spread out the skies over empty space
Said, "Let there be light" to a dark and formless world
Your light was born

You spread out Your arms over empty hearts
Said, "Let there be light" to a dark and hopeless world
Your Son was born

You made the world and saw that it was good
You sent Your only Son for You are good

What a wonderful Maker
What a wonderful Saviour
How majestic Your whispers
And how humble Your love
With a strength like no other
And the heart of a Father
How majestic Your whispers
What a wonderful God

No eye has fully seen how beautiful the Cross
And we have only heard the faintest whispers of
How great You are

"Wonderful Maker" by Chris Tomlin & Matt Redman

This song reminded me of how wonderful God's love and grace are.  It is because of this love and grace that no matter how far I stray or what I do, He is always there whispering to me urging me to come back to Him.  It is because of the Cross that this is made possible.  Jesus, what happened at the Cross?  I will never even come close to fully understanding or fully seeing the beauty of it.

Take my heart I lay it down
At the feet of You who's crowned
Take my life I'm letting go
I lift it up to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You, Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have I'm leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And it's just You and me here now
Only You and me here now

"Only You" by David Crowder Band

The lyrics of this song express what it truly means to say "I am Yours" with all my heart, mind, body, and soul.  I remember at the beginning of the musical worship, I had this urge to get on my knees before God but couldn't get myself to do so, so I bargained with God saying that if there was a song saying something like that (getting on my knees or bowing down), then I would do it.  Guess what?  God's funny like that.  Even after hearing the chorus though, it was still a huge struggle to get on my knees before Him because of all my thoughts (ie. What will people think?  It's kinda weird!  I might distract others from worship), so God gave me assurance - "It's just you and Me."  Finally, I went for it, and immediately began to cry.

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart could I go there with You?
For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
O Lord, I need to know You

For what do I have
If I don't have You Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean anymore?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter of my head

"Cry in My Heart" by Starfield

I love this song!  It's the second time that God has used it to really just rock my world.  There's such a yearning for God in the lyrics.  To me, this is the ultimate song of brokenness, and boy was I broken!  During this song, an arm reached around from the row in front of me to give me a half-hug for comfort.  Boy did I need it!  After the song, I felt a couple other hands laid upon me.  It's incredible how God continues to show His love for me through my brothers and sisters!

Now that it's Friday, I wish I could tell ya'll that I've been completely on fire for God for the past five days, but it hasn't been like that.  I still have all the struggles that I had going in to sunday, and this past day has actually been quite reminiscent of my old self.  Life still consists of choices to be made with consequences that follow.  It's so embarrassing telling ya'll this, especially considering all God has done for em.  It's like, "Bob, what will it take?  What does God need to do for you to get going?"  God doesn't need to do any more, He's more than done His part.  The ball's in my court, and my entire being needs to yell...

I AM(,) Your[s] child

Current Mood: disappointed

Wow... it's been a long time... again!  I guess I'm just not very good with this whole blogging thing cuz the words don't really just roll off my tongue - I gotta actively process it.  The funny thing is, though, that I often encounter certain situations that I'm like, "Hey!  I should blog about that!"  So it's not like I don't think about it at all, just too lazy to type it all out I guess.  I definitely gotta stop that and get going cuz laziness is killing me.  It prevents me from doing so many things that I want to do (ie. exercising to get in shape, reading some more Piper, doing my resume and getting a job, and most of all - spending time with God in His Word and in prayer).

Speaking of spending time with Him, I haven't done so consistently in a long long time.  Pretty much ever since school stopped when I got my computer games back.  I know a lot of people say that it must be so good to have so much time, but really, for me, it's not like that.  In fact, it's the opposite of "so good" cuz I always seem to waste the time away, and that inevitably sturs up feelings of guilt cuz it's definitely not honouring to God when I do so, which, unfortunately, is often.  Anyway, today was pretty good cuz I had some decent prayer time as well as quiet time.  I was inspired by Eliot's YOAH story last night and then again by his and Steve's blogs today in the evening.  Go read 'em if you have the chance.  I really love how God uses good friends of mine to show that He loves me.  I've let go of Him so many times that it's countless, yet He refuses to let go of me.

How does God use my good friends?  Well, first of all, in encouragement.  I was with a Dunamis player about a week ago and he mentioned how he thinks it's great that the leaders are really serving the other players.  I'm not sure if this player knows it, but as a leader on Dunamis, his comment really struck me and touched my heart - it meant A LOT to me.  It reassured me that we were doing a good job.  From all that has happened within the team and within the leadership, I think that God has a lot in store for Dunamis this year.  It's so encouraging seeing how into both the softball and non-softball stuff our players have been.  Within the leadership, because people were willing to be open and vulnerable, I think we've really begun to gell with one another.  Definitely gotta continue getting into each others' lives.

Secondly, occasionally a friend of mine will do something for me that lets me know they care for me.  An example of this happened about two weeks ago.  It was a Friday, and instead of being at SALT, I decided to go to a friend's talent show.  Seeing that I pretty much never miss SALT, a SALTie (who is a really good friend of mine) called me up and left a voicemail on my cell phone asking me where I was and what was going on.  She even called twice!  A little while later, I got another call from another friend about the same thing.  I know these two phone calls seem very small and insignificant, but for me, it made me feel so special, cared for, and loved.  In my eyes, it's the small and insignificant things that touch my heart the most.  Even when someone tells me to update my blog (you know who you are... thank you!), that lets me know they care.  Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but from my view, they care enough to want to read it and tell me to update when I haven't for awhile.

Through this, I think I realized something about myself: I have a desire to know that I'm loved and special to someone.  Some of you may be thinking "Well, duh Bobby, we all want and need to be loved."  The thing is, I think I'm generally an insecure person - I care a lot about what others think about me - so I think this desire to be special to someone comes from that, which isn't a good thing, because I should be completely secure in God.  I know my value comes from Him and not what from what I can do or what others think about me or say about me, etc.  Hopefully, one day I can be at that point and not care about others' opinion of me (not in the prideful way though).

A little bit more about myself (I'm not sure if I've blogged about this before), I'm sort of a self-contradiction in that although I like being in a social setting just hanging out and having fun, I'm terrible at the whole social small-talk thing.  I often find myself wondering what to say and do.  It just doesn't come naturally for me.  I think I'm better at intimacy rather than "friendship" (ever seen Jerry McGuire?).  More concisely stated, I think I'm better at developing friendships than I am at making them.  When it comes down to it, I'd rather be one-on-one with someone - being deep, intimate, and vulnerable.  Some may be uncomfortable in this setting, but I guess it's more my thing.  I get uncomfortable here only if I think the other person is uncomfortable.  All this may come from my longing for a "best friend" - someone whom I just click with, someone whom I would choose above all others and vice versa (except for God of course).  Is this a selfish desire?  I don't know, but this is what I've imagined marriage to be like (more on this in another post).

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Devo of the Day:

I John 3:16 (NIV)

    This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

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I John 3:16 (NLT)

    We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our Christian brothers and sisters.

_____

May 22, 2005 (12:50 AM)

Father, how do I lay down my life for my brothers?

"Make time for them - spend time with them.  Be the ear that listens, be the mouth that encourages, be the eyes that guide, be the hands that help, be the feet that walk with them through thick and thin.  'Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.' (Romans 12:15 - NIV)."

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Life, in a sense, is about relationships.  This is the way I wanna live.

"Do everything in love." - I Corinthians 16:14 (NIV) -

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:13 (NIV) -

I AM(,) Your child

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Desperation (From The Rooftops)

Wow... it's been awhile since I last wrote. I've been meaning to for the longest time, but never got off my lazy butt to actually do it. You may ask, "How does that work? Just write what's on your mind!" Well, I guess my mind works differently than yours. A little bit about me, I'm a perfectionist. I have to have things just right. It usually takes me at least an hour if not two (or more) to finish writing a blog. Why? Cuz I proof read it while writing it (and then again after I've written the whole thing), making changes to it to hopefully make it more coherent and understandable. I guess I can't just let things role off my tongue. I have to actively process things in my mind to make sure that it makes sense, at least when putting things down on paper. So as you can see, it actually takes quite an effort for me to write one of these things.

Anyway, so the other day (Sunday, May 8), I had a great conversation with two other people regarding service (but can be generalized to anything that we do, I believe). The long-in-the-short-of-it is that though it's important to strive for excellence (because God deserves nothing but our best), it's even more important to strive for joy. I would go so far as to say that excellence isn't excellence at all without joy, at least not in the Christian sense. To borrow a line from Piper (love that guy, ALMOST like Gummy loves Ravi), "The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever." The reason why we strive for excellence is to glorify God - nothing short of our best glorifies Him. However, as Piper has biblically pointed out, we also glorify God by enjoying Him (or having joy in Him). So since we strive for excellence to glorify Him AND we strive for joy in Him to glorify Him, joy and excellence must somehow work together. If they compete with each other or oppose one another, we have a problem.

So how do joy and excellence work together? How is it that excellence isn't excellence at all without joy? Well, from what I got out of the conversation with the two people that Sunday, joy leads to excellence. If you take joy out of excellence, excellence simply becomes doing things. Service, then, becomes a duty, and doing things out of duty definitely doesn't bring God glory. This is the problem with striving for excellence in-and-of-itself: Joy is pushed out of the equation and then you rapidly lose sight of the reason why you serve in the first place - you just go through the motions. However, if you strive for joy in Him, excellence automatically comes, because we naturally give our all in the things that bring us joy.

Personally, I have fallen victim to "going through the motions". The worst part about it is that I think I'm bringing other people down with me because my attitude isn't right. These days, while serving, I often find myself very easily agitated and irritated - very impatient and unloving. What a stark contrast from the first time I did AV stuff. Though I knew nothing then, I'm sure God looked down from heaven and was smiling cuz I was just so excited to help out. He saw where my heart was and was blessed because of it. Now, however, though I am much more equipped and have the knowledge to be used in by Him in a greater way, my desire is lacking, my heart is lacking, my joy is lacking.

This brings me back to Piper...

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Christian Hedonism is a liberating and devastating doctrine. It teaches that the value of God shines more brightly in the soul that finds deepest satisfaction in him. Therefore it is liberating because it endorses our inborn desire for joy. And it is devastating because it reveals that no one desires God with the passion he demands. Paradoxically, many people experience both of these truths. That certainly is my own experience.

The Liberating and Devastating Discovery

When I saw the truth that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him, I was freed from the unbiblical bondage of fear that it was wrong to puruse joy. What once had seemed like an inevitable but defective quest for the satisfaction of my soul now became not just permitted but required. The glory of God was at stake. This was almost too good to be true - that my quest for joy and my duty to glorify God were not in conflict. Indeed they were one. Pursuing joy in God was a non-negotiable way of honoring God. It was essential. This was a liberating discovery. It released the energies of my mind and heart to go hard after all the soul-happiness that God is for me in Jesus.
    But simultaneous with the liberation came the devastation. I was freed to pursue my fullest joy in God without guilt. Indeed, I was commanded to pursue it. Indifference to the pursuit of joy in God would be indifference to the glory of God, and that is sin. Therefore, my quest took on a seriousness, an earnestness, a gravity that I never dreamed would be part of pursuing joy. And then, almost immediatley, came the realization that my indwelling sin stands in the way of my full satisfaction in God. It opposes and perverts my pursuit of God. It opposes by making other things look more desirable than God. And it perverts by making me think I am pursuing joy in God when, in fact, I am in love with his gifts.
    I discovered what better saints than I have found before me: The full enjoyment of God is my ultimate home, but I am still far off and only on the way. Augustine put it like this in one of his prayers:

    I was astonished that although I now loved you... I did not persist in enjoyment
    of my God. Your beauty drew me to you, but soon I was dragged away from you
    by my own weight and in dismay I plunged again into the things of this world...
    as though I had sensed the fragrance of the fare but was not yet able to eat it.

How Christian Living Became Impossible

This discovery was devastating to me. It still is. I was made to know and enjoy God. I was freed by the doctrine of Christian Hedonism to pursue that knowledge and that joy with all my heart. And then, to my dismay, I discovered that it is not an easy doctrine. Christian Hedonism is not a lowering of the bar. Out of the blue, as it were, I realized that the bar had been raised. Manageable, duty-defined, decision-oriented, willpower Christianity now semed easy, and real Christianity had become impossible. The emotions - or affections, as former generations called them - which I was now free to enjoy, proved to be beyond my reach. The Christian life became impossible. That is, it became supernatural.
    Now there was only one hope, the sovereign grace of God. God would have to transform my heart to do what a heart cannot make itself do, namely, want what it ought to want. Only God can make the depraved heart desire God. Once when Jesus' disciples wondered about the salvation of a man who desired money more than God, he said to them, "With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God" (Mark 10:27). Pursuing what we want is possible. It is easy. It is a pleasant kind of freedom. But the only freedom that lasts is pursuing what we want when we want what we ought. And it is devastating to discover we don't, and we can't.

- from "When I Don't Desire God" (p.13-14) by John Piper

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... a perfect reflection of my heart right now.

These days, I find myself ever so lazy and doing nothing in an entire day but playing video games. It'd be one thing to be playing and enjoying it, but a whole other thing when I'm playing it, not enjoying it, yet continue to play, which is the case right now. Not that computer games are evil in-and-of-itself, but it's sinful in my case because it's caused me to take my eyes off of Him. I've been pursuing joy in something that offers none, yet continue to persist.  Why?  I wish I knew.

"I know of no other way to triumph over sin long-term than to gain a distaste for it because of a superior satisfaction in God." - from "Desiring God" (p.12) by John Piper -

I AM(,) Your child

Current Mood: blah